A New Type Of Feeling

Maybe it’s a mid life crisis. Do younger people get those? Like people who aren’t even in their twenties? I guess that would in itself take out the “mid-life” part away. Unless of course someone is making a cruel joke about them dieing young, but I’ll pass on those tonight. There are far too many things on my head to worry about than back humor jokes. Which, if you haven’t noticed, are everyone’s absolute favorite. Why did the little boy not come to school? Because he got hit by a bus. Why haven’t I found the time for anything? Why do I not have the energy to do anything or to talk to anyone? I might likely have mono. But I’ve been watching my hygiene, and I’ve been quite annoying about it for the past two weeks, meaning the symptoms would how shown up by now.

I’ve engulfed my past two years at school around a singular social group. I’ve cut people, activities, and hobbies for not only these people, but also for the feeling of acceptance in this general place. What exact place I’m talking about, has no importance. But everyone there is willing to accept anyone for who they are, all that they ask for is to dedicate some time to it. I, being the jumpy and overly exited person jumped in head first, ignoring all the “no diving” signs. What signs? The signs that have thought me in life not to dedicate yourself to one single things more than is necessary, because it always will turn against you. These specific people or place has not turned against me, but rather quite the opposite: In the past 6 months it has opened up to me more than I would have ever thought would be possible in such a short amount of time.

In order to find myself comfortable in this place, I changed. For the better, or maybe for the worse? Who knows; Only the people who I have lost and forgotten about in the process would say for the worst, while only the people who I have newly met and became close with will say for the better. For every negative, there will always be a justifiable positive to contradict it. The challenge, hence, arrises to find that positive. But, what I have been feeling for the past month or so is an absolute lack of the positive. It has been months since I woke up almost giddy with excitement, knowing that within the next two three hours I will see practically all the people in my social life that I love. Month after month in the past couple of years I spent coming home from that place only to look at my watch and calculate how many hours until I can go back. How many hundreds of times did I stay longer than everyone else to make sure that I was on time with all of my work.

And now, all that I can think about is how in the end none of it was worth it. I still love all of my friends at this place, but I don’t feel any necessary desire to see or talk to them anymore. The people who I worked with side by side are no longer my best friends, but rather people that I pretend I am completely fine with every time I sit with, even though I know that at least half of the time, I don’t want to be there with them. Is this depression? Definitely not. Is this sadness? A little bit. Is this regret? Never. So what is this feeling? I don’t know.

All I know is that at this very exact moment, I don’t want to go back to this place for a couple of months. And lastly, you might want to know where this place is? I’m not announcing, but beware the Scottish Play in this sanctuary.